i mean i would eat healthy food but do you remember that one time that adam and eve ate an apple in the garden of eden and doomed all of humanity so idk better not risk it
(Source: joshpeckofficial, via pizza)
"Whatever you are experiencing right now is not a mistake."
Are you serious right now? I’m a fully certified neurosurgeon. I can break into people’s heads and rewire their brains and tamper with their memory, no problem. But this? This juice box? This sugary drink marketed for eight year olds? No. Sticking a straw into this juice container is apparently just too much for me to handle without fucking it up. I’m done. I quit. Goodbye.
Never Ever EVER look back through conversations w people who used to mean a whole LOT to ya Bc i guarantee that you’ll end up crying like a little bitch nd eating straight up hot chocolate powder
you don’t understand i would sell my firstborn to know how this story started
Well it all started when Mrs. Hayfer wanted me to babysit her dumb house. When I got the keys, I sat them on top of this pie that I found on the counter. I knew it was going to be given to the family for desert if I didn’t eat it soon, so I was going to plan to eat it in my teacher’s house and dump all the crumbs on her bed. So it’s a win-win, right? Besides, she wouldn’t find out about the crumbs until after I was paid, and this teacher hates me anyway. Then, I got distracted when this hot cheerleader calls me, asking about what movie I’d recommend, but before I could answer, I realize that my mom would be there any second to serve dinner, and there was no way I was sharing that pie. So I bust out of there with the pie and the keys, and the moment I get in the house, I start chowing down on the pie with my bare hands, trying to eat this thing before anyone knows I took it, right? Well, since the pie crust was dry, I chugged a 2-liter bottle of soda whenever my throat would get dry and eventually, I really needed “to go.” Only when I went to flush, the water wouldn’t stop flowing and there was no plunger to be found. Usually I’d just shrug and say it was Josh’s fault or something, but let’s get real here, Mrs. Hayfer would’ve blamed me about her toilet overflowing if I was 30 states away. So I jammed my foot in there, hoping it’d make the toilet stop flushing. Then my phone rings, and I knew it was my mom, asking where her pie went, and because Meghan decided it’d be a great idea to make my ring tone a bunch of cats meowing, Mrs. Hayfer’s dog, Tiberius starts freaking out, bashing into the door over and over again. Now anyone who knows this dog knows that this dog will happily eat anything, and that includes the pie, and probably myself. So my foot’s totally stuck in there right, I’m freaking out, the dog’s having a seizure and I still got half a pie left.
(Source: abadeerzs, via ursxc)
So this guy volunteers at the Olympics. He figures maybe he’ll get to see some amazing athletes doing athletic things. And then the fastest man alive gives him a fist bump.
Look at all that happy.
(Source: 4GIFs, via joshpeckofficial)
im dying of period cramps on the sofa and i heard someone in the kitchen and assumed it was my mom so i yelled I CAN FEEL MY UTERUS PULSING HELP and my dad came into the room with the most horrified expression on his face
i found this on my bed
"Just fucking tell her. Right now. This is your sign."
And that’s how I got a concussion
IM LAUGHING SO HARD I THOUGHT IT WAS A GIANT BOTTLE FALLING OVER AND CRUSHING HIM OH MY GOD